Untraceable (2008)

About six years too late to scare anyone, the latest movie about a killer website stars Diane Lane as an FBI agent investigating a site where people log on to watch someone die, and the more people log on, the faster they die. So, you know, this is totally a statement about the dangers of voyeurism in the Internet Age. Or it would be, if this wasn't the stupidest idea for a movie since 88 Minutes.

You can tell this movie means business because it kills a kitten in an opening scene. Then you know it means business because Diane Lane and Colin Hanks sit around talking about "computar" and "intarnets" for a while, so you trust that if this killer website WAS traceable, they could find it. BUT THEY CAN'T BECAUSE IT'S UNTRACEABLE.

However, the single funniest thing about this movie is the rising visitor count on the killer website: it's, like, in the millions. And it quickly skyrockets into the TENS of millions. How quickly? Like, in a few minutes. AND it's restricted to American users only, so just think about what a huge chunk of the population that is. If that many people are SOOOOO into watching internet murder, we have a whole different problem on our hands than one murderer. If this website's hit counter gets more hits than CNN.com, this country needs to be nuked off the face of the planet. Our remains need to be UNTRACEABLE.

But if any of this sounds like Untraceable is effective as a statement about the decaying morals of our society in the Internet Age, well, it doesn't work because the actual issue of the people visiting the website is never addressed. We never meet an actual user of the killer website, so the only suspense is meant to come from the endless extreme closeups of a digital counter. SCAAARY! SO MANY INTARNET HITS OMG!

If you're particularly into bad thrillers like I am, check this one out. For the rest of you, it might be a little boring. Recommended.