Mission to Mars (2000)

This movie makes the origin of life on Earth boring. Like, so boring it has to spice up the journey with geriatric ballroom dancing in space. Wait, that makes it sound exciting. How about a meteorite assault and the subsequent deep-space abandonment of the ship, all shot with the intensity of a turtle knitting on valium? Sorry, now I'm making it sound too intense.

It's about a group of astronauts that takes the first human steps on Mars, and the rescue mission to uncover how it was all ruined by a bloodthirsty towering sand tornado penis. Now, that's already too many layers for this story. Shouldn't the discovery of a sand penis be more amazing than anything humanity has ever discovered before? Why do we need a rescue mission to waste precious time with twice as many characters as we need? What does the titular mission to Mars have to do with the mystery of the giant sand penis at all, even on the broadest, most intuitive level? That sand penis should be all anyone talks about!

Tim Robbins is in this, looking exactly as male as actress Connie Nielsen. They are precisely as male and female as each other. It is very weird. They play the happy astronaut couple that causes widower Gary Sinise to steal away to his space bunk all the time to watch home videos of his dead wife that look like they were shot on a $50 million budget.

They are all part of a rescue mission to save Don Cheadle from the giant sand penis on Mars, but what they don't know is that the sand penis was hiding a giant face. And inside the face is the secret to the origin of our species.

The secret? Tyra Banks shot her Martian DNA into Earth's oceans and we showed up by complete coincidence.

THE END.

I told you we should have spent more time with the penis.