Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties (2006)

You don't expect a movie like this to be any good, but sometimes they surprise you by being even worse. Nobody asked for a sequel to "Garfield: The Movie." Nobody even asked for "Garfield: The Movie." Nobody asked for homosexual jealousy between man and beast. And nobody, I mean NOBODY, asked for Jon and Liz to get together! I mean they were sooo much better when Liz was being a giant bitch. It's like: Jon, you'll win her over, we promise!

Bill Murray returns as the voice of Garfield, as well as Garfield's doppelganger from the United Kingdom, who get switched for some reason involving Liz's international veterinarian conference. It's not that important. It also most likely inconveniences a bunch of people who have important jobs to do, like go to vet conferences on the other side of the world, and it's a mark of today's movies for kids that we even have to discuss important vet conferences that nobody cares about just to get to the dumb cat hijinks. Shouldn't you build a story around something at least a little bit more interesting to kids? That's nothing to say about Jon traveling to Europe to propose to Liz and SNOOOOOOOOZE. God, this movie sucks.

Anyways, Garfield calls Jon a "queen" to Odie, sabotages his proposal to Liz, and dances all sexy for him. This is not even subtext, it is the actual text -- Garfield is in love with Jon. There's some barn-animal activism as well, and at one point the British Garfield gets soaked in poop from a sewer. Then it is implied that a blood-splattered Garfield has just eaten a pie with a human inside it. Oh, and Garfield eats 10,000 plates of non-cartoon food in a scene that gives one actual vertigo for all the laws of nature it shatters. Just try to imagine what kind of biology it would require to consume 10,000 plates of food at once, leaving only bones.

We paused it when Garfield gets stuck in the front door of a miniature castle and farts from all the pressure. It is a good point to stop and reassess your life. If you have nothing to live for, please enjoy the second half of this film.