[ART ROLL] Camilla Belle in 10,000 BC

[ART ROLL] Giovanni Ribisi in Perfect Stranger

[ART ROLL] Helen Hunt in Pay It Forward

Many of you may not know this, but we at The Slow Roll keep a detailed journal including every bad movie we experience. You know, for science. In case a future society is interested in exactly how much Jessica Biel sucks.

Well, a crucial element of this journal is when we pause the movie and take turns drawing whatever crunk babe is on the screen. Usually it's Sharon Stone. I'm just saying.

So we decided that the whole world should enjoy these horrific doodles as much as we do. To kick us off, I present you with the glamorous Helen Hunt in her Oscar-hungry turn as Arlene McKinney the middle-aged stripper in Pay It Forward.

Bratz (2007)

Sometimes it's unfair to pick on movies intended for younger audiences. On the other hand, shit is still shit if it's in a cute box with pink letters surrounded by crunk babes.

The terrible premise: They made a live-action movie based on dolls with giant heads, giant lips, and no noses. Four girls enter high school and overturn the rigid clique system, which they accomplish by being rude assholes to everyone but each other. Just kidding -- they are rude assholes to each other too.

First let me tell you what happens in Bratz, then I'll explain why its message is so dangerous to young girls. You see, the Bratz are bestest friends and they plan on remaining bestest friends throughout high school. The problem is, they make different friends with common interests and stop spending time with each other. Except Yasmin, the Mexican Brat, whom the movie depicts as Mexican by having A MARIACHI BAND IN HER KITCHEN. She also enjoys singing "La Cucaracha" in her bedroom. I'm not making this up.

And then... get ready for it... it's my favorite part of the movie... It cuts to TWO YEARS LATER.

TWO YEARS LATER.

Two years later, we revisit the Bratz, and they're happily socializing with different groups of people with common interests. Except Yasmin, because she's a fucking loser who sings "La Cucaracha" in her bedroom. So Yasmin convinces the other Bratz that it's a tragedy that they're not friends anymore, and guilt trips them into abandoning their other friends and sitting with her at lunch.

Here's the thing: outgrowing friends and branching out socially when you go to high school is a HEALTHY thing. I thought it was awesome that the Bratz shook off their elementary school "BFF"s and explored other relationships in this new environment. Yasmin, however, as I have previously stated, is a fucking loser. And she drags her friends down with her because she sucks.

Of course, the message of the movie is that Yasmin is awesome for staying true to friendship or some bullshit like that. In fact, while everyone else was busy making friends and not being fucking losers, Yasmin insulted a deaf kid and failed to join the choir even though she has an "amazing" voice. By the end of the movie, the Bratz have formed a pop group and perform at the MTV Video Music Awards (I'm not making this up) and Yasmin's singing voice is badly dubbed by what is clearly a man.

AND THEN. AND THEN! And then, during the credits, there is a music video by Janel Parrish, the actress playing the Asian Brat who loves math and science. SHE'S NOT EVEN THE BRAT WHO LIKES SINGING, and the movie tries to sell us this twerp as a crossover pop star like Hannah Montana. I've also learned that she's the ONLY Brat who uses her real singing voice. Too bad it really, really sucks.

I've also learned that Ron Fair was involved in this project, which means I'm not paranoid and this movie really was an attempt to form a crossover pop group, because Ron Fair's hobby is manufacturing shitty girl groups. Has anyone else seen Girlicious?

As usual, I've left out many key points from this amazing film, so here is a bulleted list for you:

- Meredith is the evil popular girl who loves cliques and threatens Mexican Brat with a samurai sword
- Cloe is the Blonde Brat who doesn't have a dad or a bank account, as insensitively pointed out by Black Brat
- There is a talent show where the prize is "a scholarship to the university of your choice"
- A 15-year-old boy tries to have sex with a 9-year-old girl

Those are just some of the delights in store for you when you rent this movie RIGHT NOW. Strongly recommended.