Pay It Forward (2000)

Can you think of a really big, really effective way to make the world a better place? One way to start would be to pay forward some bitch slaps to anyone who worked on this movie (GET IT? BECAUSE OF PAYING IT FORWARD).

The terrible premise: Trevor (Haley Joel Osfuck) devises a scheme to make everyone do good deeds for each other and stuff. Meanwhile he pairs his stripper mom (Helen Hunt) with his burn victim teacher (Kevin Spacey).

First of all, everyone in this movie thought they were getting Oscars. It might be impossible to say who expected one more, Kevin Spacey or Helen Hunt. I mean Kevin Spacey puts on some major burn victim makeup. Then there’s Helen Hunt, dressing up like Erin Brockovich and writing her Oscar speech on the same day. She really thought people were going to call her performance “brave.” In fact, it’s shit.

And then there’s Haley Joel Fuckface. He might be the worst child actor of all time, and I really mean that. He acts like a little grownup, except whatever grownup he’s acting like is a terrible actor too. And his character is just HORRIBLE. Trevor is so passive-aggressive and evil I couldn’t believe he wasn’t supposed to be the villain.

(Jim Caviezel is also in this movie, playing a junkie who meets Trevor and promptly starts using drugs again, because that’s what anyone would do if they had to hang out with Trevor.)

So what happens in Pay It Forward? Helen Hunt looks like Mount Rushmore and clomps around in wedge heels like Juwanna Mann, and tries to make every scene her Oscar clip. I’m sorry to keep bringing up her Oscar hopes but they come at you like a tidal wave when you’re watching this movie. She starts up a romance with Trevor’s teacher, which is incredibly inapprocpiate, and they fall in love for reasons we never learn because the movie skips the step of showing anything they like about each other. Eventually, they fight and get back together and stuff. It doesn’t mean anything because TREVOR DIES AT THE END.

YES TREVOR DIES AT THE END. HALEY JOEL FUCKFACE GETS KNIFED ON SCHOOL GROUNDS WHILE HIS MOM AND TEACHER ARE WATCHING. No explanation why anything like this would—I’m sorry. I just realized I’m not confused at all as to why someone would want to knife Trevor. However, the entire world is really upset about it and mourners from all over the country swarm Helen Hunt’s house with candles. Because they love paying it forward so much. YES, REALLY.

Recommendation: If you’re a fan of bad acting, look no further than Pay It Forward. The three lead actors give it their absolutely all, and it’s absolutely HILARIOUS.