My Super Ex-Girlfriend (2006)

We weren't expecting a lot from a movie called "My Super Ex-Girlfriend," but we were shocked at the mean-spirited nature of this so-called comedy. Instead of exploring superhero powers as a new twist on the battle of the sexes, My Super Ex-Girlfriend uses them as a revolting excuse to make Uma Thurman a dumping ground for male condescension and casual misogyny. It's impossible to tell whether Luke Wilson is phoning it in or simply that one-note, but we are once again subjected to the "aw, shucks" persona his brother Owen has taught us to hate, with an extra side of hapless charm. This time, Wilson is an ordinary guy who dates and breaks up with Jenny Johnson, also known as "G-Girl," the local superhero.

Aside from serving an idiotic title, G-Girl's (vaguely defined) superpowers have absolutely nothing to do with anything, since her asinine hang-ups are ripped from the pages of "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days"; if the words "clingy," "passive-aggressive," "controlling," and "probably bipolar" don't appear on her SuperMatch.com profile, you can add "pathological liar" to the list of reasons we would have dumped her too. My Super Ex-Girlfriend seems to argue that G-Girl may be a superhero, but first and foremost she's female: brewing strange emotions in her uterus! No control over when they might be unleashed upon her unsuspecting boyfriend! Randomly sobbing and apologizing for her mental state! In the Victorian era, G-Girl would have been diagnosed with hysteria. Today, we diagnose My Super Ex-Girlfriend with a screenwriter who has never interacted with an actual woman.

Cold Creek Manor (2003)

Movie parents have been recklessly moving their families into haunted houses since motion pictures were invented. We at the Slow Roll are dying to know why these parents always believe they have found "the perfect house" when there isn't a neighbor for 30 miles and their kids can already tell it's evil. Cold Creek Manor is Mike Figgis's witless contribution to a witless genre (recent entries include Darkness and The Messengers), starring Sharon Stone and Dennis Quaid as the guilty parents. "Isn't this place amazing, kids?" they ask as they wander through collapsing hallways infested with ghosts. "You'll get used to it!" they inform their teenage daughter, who seems able to hear the threatening music cues jumping out from every shadow and corner, or even well-lit doorways and appliances. This wouldn't exactly be shocking, since Mike Figgis's score (yes, he composed it himself) reaches farcical levels of unsubtle.

Soon enough, Quaid becomes dangerously obsessed with the previous residents of the house and their brutal unsolved murder, which might have discouraged us from moving into a place already called "Cold Creek Manor," but Quaid opts instead to rehire the menacing former groundskeeper (Stephen Dorff) who kills their horse and throws his wife down a well. It's hard not to feel like mom and dad deserve all this for hauling their kids to a shithole town where the closest thing to someone their own age is Juliette Lewis as the local slut.

Memorable quote: "GERONIMOOOOOOOOO!"

The Lake House (2006)

"Can this be happening?" No. No, it sure can't.

Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock play a pair of would-be lovers who have everything going for them. Except, that is, for the fact that they are victims of the time-space continuum, separated by two years and only able to communicate by writing letters and putting them in a magical mailbox. Despite the ease with which Sandy and Keanu accept these outlandish dating terms ("Even though this is clearly impossible, it's amazing"), we were baffled by scenes such as the walking tour of Chicago on which they embark "together," with voiceover "dialogue" as they converse across their respective timelines. Considering that the exchange of each and every line necessarily involved a lengthy expedition by automobile to the lake house and its magical mailbox, we believe these bozos and their love should be held responsible for any and all destruction resulting from the current climate crisis.

Memorable quote: "Oh, we have a comedian. What'd you have, a clown for breakfast this morning?" -- Kate (Sandra Bullock) revealing her mistaken belief that ingesting clowns will result in an enhanced sense of humor

FANTASY SEQUEL: The Sorting Hat

Radio (2003)

There is nothing more cringeworthy than a major Hollywood star playing a mentally retarded character, a statement which may leave you wondering what this has to do with a film starring Cuba Gooding, Jr. Well, it turns out it's pretty disgusting no matter who it is lurching around and grunting through a set of monster teeth purchased at Walgreens the day before Halloween, purporting to offer a sensitive portrayal of the local retard who taught a small town to love. Ed Harris plays Coach Jones, the asshole who names Radio after an appliance. Never mind the fact that Radio is a human being who might not appreciate being renamed at will like a pet or object. In fact, Coach Jones learns from Radio's mom that his real name is James Robert Kennedy, but this information doesn't make much of an impact on anyone.

Radio's mom is granted all the dignity of dying off-screen so we can get to the climactic football game, but it's hard to feel bad about that when this negligent bat allowed her retarded son to push a shopping cart around back alleys every day. Of course, she and Coach Jones are portrayed as saintly figures whose compassion inspires the high school football team to make Radio their mascot. Radio is a dull, sappy bore that should rightly upset anyone concerned that Cuba Gooding, Jr. pretending to be retarded is the kind of publicity the mentally disabled don't need.

Memorable quote: "Whe' mah pie!"

Material Girls (2006)

What's a pair of ditzy socialite sisters to do when they lose their fortune in scandal, and are forced to take care of themselves while learning that there are more important things in life than money? If you think Material Girls will shed any light on the subject, someone called "the back of the box" lied to you. Right off the bat, we learn that the spoiled Marchetta sisters (played by the charmless Hilary Duff and her giraffe-clown sister, Haylie) only ever risk receiving $60,000,000 as opposed to $100,000,000... each. So it's kind of hard to feel bad for these idiot girls as they accidentally burn down their mansion, shack up with their Colombian housekeeper, and ride public transportation once. What must have been a 60-page script to begin with has been generously padded with such useless observations such as "Oohh, it's windy," and "It smells like beef in here"; saddled with unwelcome bytes such as "I've got an eggroll in my bra, just give me a minute," and "Have you ever heard of post-9/11 immigration delays?"; and sprinkled with shockingly casual racism (Haylie sees a black person entering his own home and screams and runs away; Hilary crudely impersonates a Mexican gangbanger) that is never identified as, I don't know, something the girls could work on.

So, what's a pair of horsey, talentless sisters to do when a project is dumb enough for the Olsen twins to pass on (which they actually did)? If your last name is Duff, you fish it out of the dumpster and call it your own. Material Girls wasn't even safe from its own actors: six months before its theatrical release, Haas publicly stated his displeasure with the film and predicted it would never be released. Sure, Haas turned out to be wrong, but this must have been small consolation to the movie, which was eventually greeted with a 5% on Rotten Tomatoes and upstaged at the box office by such films as Barnyard: The Original Party Animals (which was in its third week of release).

Memorable quote: "Come on, you know how biochemistry calms me down."

SuperBabies: Baby Geniuses 2 (2004)

Oh my god. What is going on. SuperBabies has changed my life, in that I'm not sure it's worth living anymore. This isn't even a movie, just an unadulterated nightmare that someone has put on DVD and Target is selling for $5.50. So I guess I just admitted to you that I own it.

The terrible premise: Babies are geniuses who speak their own language. Jon Voight (!) wants to use his cable network to brainwash babies of the world.

I didn't see the first Baby Geniuses, but the concept of intelligent babies sounds pretty useless to everyone. So what if your baby is a genius if he can't even wipe his own ass? My cat is more of a genius than that -- he buries his poop in sand. Even if my cat was an actual genius, who cares because he can't share his brilliant thoughts with anyone except other cats, who are also useless. The point is, I hope someone makes a movie called Kitty Geniuses because it would be so darn cute.

Would you like to know what's not cute? HUMAN BABIES WITH COMPUTER-GENERATED MOUTHS. Wait, I should be fair: they're not actually babies. These kids are like 8 years old. There are no actual babies in SuperBabies. They do become "Super," though, in a horrifying scene involving even more CGI. There is also an even older SuperBaby, apparently from the first movie, called "Kahuna." I feel bad picking on child actors, which is fortunate because most of the movie he's portrayed by a stunt double who is obviously an adult woman.

Oh, and in addition to there being no babies, there are no geniuses either. Maybe they're smart for their age, but not by much. Again, being able to talk doesn't make anyone a genius. Especially if NO ONE UNDERSTANDS YOU.

Do you know what is in this movie? Something called "Muggles the Frog" who is actually a fucking MINSTREL. He's in something that looks silverface, not quite blackface, but with the singing and dancing it might as well be Al Jolson. I'm not making this up or exaggerating. It's so horrific I don't know what to say.

I mentioned that Jon Voight is in this movie. Does he need work? He can clean my house or something. I didn't think I could feel any worse for him after Anaconda, but even his crazy accent from that movie is nothing compared to this. To be fair, I'm not sure anyone could pull off a villain whose arch enemies are babies -- if he really wanted to win, couldn't he just punt them like little footballs? So you can feel Jon Voight pulling back to pretend it's a fair fight.

Also, Scott Baio. Ouch. But if you thought the surprise appearances were over, THINK AGAIN! With absolutely no warning, Whoopi fucking Goldberg shows up in a cameo, to demonstrate that the SuperBabies are friends with celebrities or something. Before you have time to recover from hearing a SuperBaby refer to Whoopi Goldberg as "Whoops," all of a sudden you're looking at O-TOWN. Yes, O-Town! And they sing a new song they wrote just for the SuperBabies! And it sucks!

At this point, everyone was placing bets on who the SuperBabies would be friends with next. I guessed Condoleeza Rice. AND ALL OF A SUDDEN I WAS LOOKING AT GEORGE W. BUSH. YES, THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES IS IN THIS MOVIE, AND IMPLIED TO BE FRIENDS WITH THE SUPERBABIES.

There is so much more to talk about, but I'll leave it alone now. There is also a slutty babysitter and a SuperBaby "utopia" which kind of resembles Hell.

Recommendation: If you're the kind of person who goes on the scariest roller coasters at the amusement park, maybe you can handle the sheer horror of SuperBabies.