Beowulf (2007)

Did anyone think was a good idea? Besides Robert Zemeckis? And apparently lots and lots of Americans who paid money to see the mannequin porn that is Beowulf? Who asked for this movie? Who wants to see organic humans eliminated from the filmmaking process? So many questions.

The terrible premise: A hero named Beowulf swoops in to save a kingdom from a monster, and ends up fucking the monster's mom, who gives birth to a dragon who kills Beowulf 50 years later. Oh, and the movie is completely computer-generated.

You all know what I'm going to say, right? You already know I'm going to complain that all the characters looked like dolls with glassy dead eyes? Well, you have no fucking idea. This was one of the most upsetting moviegoing experiences I've ever had. And I don't know why everyone thinks the technology has advanced enough to make movies like this, because it definitely, definitely hasn't.

And again, why is this something to aspire to? Didn't Robert Zemeckis swear off live-action to concentrate on motion-capture animated films? Someone told me that. Why would anyone want to do that? What's wrong with having human beings in movies? And honestly, Shrek was much more convincing in terms of looking photo-real. Probably because it depicted a world that didn't exist, so my brain didn't have anything real to compare it to. In Beowulf, all I could think was, "Well, I've seen people before... and these are NOT them."

Okay, and how about the fact that everyone keeps getting naked in this fucking movie? Why? In the first scene, Anthony Hopkins' computer-generated ass. When Beowulf settles down to wait for the monster, he gets buck naked and takes a nap. Then, when he's fighting the monster, Beowulf's computer-generated ass and junk. Well, not quite his junk, because Robert Zemeckis saw Austin Powers and decided that "genitals barely obscured by passing objects" was a really classy way to handle epic mythology. Other times (MANY TIMES), naked Beowulf is actually spreading his legs at the camera and there's just a blurry area.

And of course Angelina Jolie plays a sex demon who likes to walk around totally nude except for high heels, which are built into her feet. And she has gold boobs which are totally irresistible to every man in the movie, causing her to give birth to monsters or whatever.

Probably the worst thing about this movie is how cheap it looks, for how expensive and "cutting-edge" it's supposed to be. There are only two locations in the whole movie: a tavern and a cave. I was like, "Is THIS the kingdom? Is this what's at stake? Why do only 15 people live in this kingdom? Why do I care if they die? Why does Robin Wright Penn look like Glenn Close dipped in wax?"

I will say, however, that I was not bored during the movie. Every scene is a new opportunity to be horrified and thank god that this new style of filmmaking will never, ever catch on, because I'm pretty sure everyone who sees Beowulf is going to jump off a bridge afterward and there will be no one left to buy tickets for Beowulf 2: Guys and Dolls.

Recommendation: Take the plunge. And if you're interested in liking this movie at all, SEE IT IN 3-D. That's the only way it could be remotely entertaining (and in fact, the way it was meant to be seen).

Gah. I need to take a shower.