Pathfinder (2007)

A while ago I saw Pathfinder in the theater. Maybe you haven't heard of this movie, and I can't imagine why since the public demand for a shitty movie about Vikings terrorizing Native Americans was so high. Perhaps I can jog your memory by mentioning that it stars Karl Urban, who played John "Reaper" Grimm in the movie adaptation of Doom.

I saw Pathfinder with a friend who worked on the movie, and we were fortunate enough to be the entire audience at this showing, because Spider-Man 3 had just opened. Also, it was Pathfinder, so London 2: Londoner could have been the only other choice that week and we still would have been alone in that theater.

Since we had the theater all to ourselves, my friend was able to provide a running commentary on the movie and her experience working with this shitty director whose name I don't even feel like looking up. All you need to know is that he was German, and he thought he was making an amazing movie. He also thought he was making a gritty movie by draining most of the color from every shot so I thought the movie was supposed to be in black and white. "These shots were gorgeous the way they shot them," my friend said. "Now I have no idea what's going on."

My personal favorite element of the whole movie is how many different seasons each scene took place in. I mean, it takes some nerve to intercut snowy landscapes with sunny hillsides IN THE SAME SCENE as if they're taking place CONTINUOUSLY. This movie really had some balls.

Also, Pathfinder kept showing Native Americans being unable to handle their own environment, like they keep drowning or breaking through frozen ice or running into bears and almost biting the dust. Or falling onto wooden spikes that THEY THEMSELVES SET UP. Like, the Native Americans in this movie are clowns. They could not be more clueless about what is involved in being a Native American. They're always so cold and hungry and have no idea what to do about it.

Anyway, that's all. Wow, what a terrible movie. I was kind of jealous of my friend for working on it, though, because she got a rare glimpse directly into the mind of a director who thinks he's making GOLD before it ends up on this website.