Material Girls (2006)

What's a pair of ditzy socialite sisters to do when they lose their fortune in scandal, and are forced to take care of themselves while learning that there are more important things in life than money? If you think Material Girls will shed any light on the subject, someone called "the back of the box" lied to you. Right off the bat, we learn that the spoiled Marchetta sisters (played by the charmless Hilary Duff and her giraffe-clown sister, Haylie) only ever risk receiving $60,000,000 as opposed to $100,000,000... each. So it's kind of hard to feel bad for these idiot girls as they accidentally burn down their mansion, shack up with their Colombian housekeeper, and ride public transportation once. What must have been a 60-page script to begin with has been generously padded with such useless observations such as "Oohh, it's windy," and "It smells like beef in here"; saddled with unwelcome bytes such as "I've got an eggroll in my bra, just give me a minute," and "Have you ever heard of post-9/11 immigration delays?"; and sprinkled with shockingly casual racism (Haylie sees a black person entering his own home and screams and runs away; Hilary crudely impersonates a Mexican gangbanger) that is never identified as, I don't know, something the girls could work on.

So, what's a pair of horsey, talentless sisters to do when a project is dumb enough for the Olsen twins to pass on (which they actually did)? If your last name is Duff, you fish it out of the dumpster and call it your own. Material Girls wasn't even safe from its own actors: six months before its theatrical release, Haas publicly stated his displeasure with the film and predicted it would never be released. Sure, Haas turned out to be wrong, but this must have been small consolation to the movie, which was eventually greeted with a 5% on Rotten Tomatoes and upstaged at the box office by such films as Barnyard: The Original Party Animals (which was in its third week of release).

Memorable quote: "Come on, you know how biochemistry calms me down."