Cold Creek Manor (2003)

Movie parents have been recklessly moving their families into haunted houses since motion pictures were invented. We at the Slow Roll are dying to know why these parents always believe they have found "the perfect house" when there isn't a neighbor for 30 miles and their kids can already tell it's evil. Cold Creek Manor is Mike Figgis's witless contribution to a witless genre (recent entries include Darkness and The Messengers), starring Sharon Stone and Dennis Quaid as the guilty parents. "Isn't this place amazing, kids?" they ask as they wander through collapsing hallways infested with ghosts. "You'll get used to it!" they inform their teenage daughter, who seems able to hear the threatening music cues jumping out from every shadow and corner, or even well-lit doorways and appliances. This wouldn't exactly be shocking, since Mike Figgis's score (yes, he composed it himself) reaches farcical levels of unsubtle.

Soon enough, Quaid becomes dangerously obsessed with the previous residents of the house and their brutal unsolved murder, which might have discouraged us from moving into a place already called "Cold Creek Manor," but Quaid opts instead to rehire the menacing former groundskeeper (Stephen Dorff) who kills their horse and throws his wife down a well. It's hard not to feel like mom and dad deserve all this for hauling their kids to a shithole town where the closest thing to someone their own age is Juliette Lewis as the local slut.

Memorable quote: "GERONIMOOOOOOOOO!"