Anaconda (1997)

Wow. Basically, Anaconda lives up to its name, because there is a pretty big snake in this movie. But it's also misleading, because the snake doesn't do anything wrong for like an hour. Instead, the characters kill themselves off by being so stupid, while Anaconda lurks in the water and is like, "This is almost embarrassing."

Let's back up: somewhere in Brazil, a boatload of actors you never thought you would see in the same place (such as Jennifer Lopez, Jon Voight, Eric Stoltz, Ice Cube, and Owen fucking Wilson) cruise down a river filming a documentary or something similarly intellectual. Basically, they're not expecting to be eaten by Anaconda, that's all you need to know.

However, Jon Voight knows something is up because he leads them into the most dangerous part of the jungle and it becomes apparent that he wants to make millions by capturing the largest snake in the world, even if it costs the lives of his friends. You know, Anacondas are scary, but true evil lies in the hearts of men, etc.

But seriously, Anaconda is so upstaged by these bozos as they fall off the boat, choke on wasps, and get attacked by warthogs. Eric Stoltz spends most of the movie recuperating in bed after scuba diving in the river and CHOKING ON A POISONOUS WASP when he wasn't even using a snorkel, he was breathing from an air tank. So apparently the air tank was full of poisonous wasps. Not Anaconda's fault.

Meanwhile, we get occasional POV shots as Anaconda spies on the boat, except the POV shots are SO HIGH and tilty, so it's hard to imagine what someone else looking at Anaconda would see. Like, a big snake totally sticking out of the water? But like I said, Anaconda isn't reponsible for anything bad that happens for the first hour. There is a brief scene where Anaconda eats a panther, which is pretty crazy, but that's really none of the movie's business. That's called a food chain.

Finally, Jon Voight goes completely crazy, and I'm only partially talking about his character. He is going for some kind of accent here, Russian or Spanish or something. And he's always pulling villainous looks for the camera when no one's looking. This is about when the Anaconda starts eating people.

Let's get something straight: I'm sure an anaconda can eat a whole person, but not like, 10 people in one day. Okay, Anaconda eats Owen Wilson, he's gone, everyone wins. Fine. Anaconda is not going to go jumping back on the boat to eat someone else in like half an hour. That's crazy. That's called being a fucking pig.

In the last scene of the movie, J-Lo and Ice Cube end up in some abandoned factory on top of a hill, and Anaconda fucking COMES OUT OF THE CEILING to attack them! That means Anaconda climbed a whole hill, up the side of the building, and down through the roof, like that's easier than coming in the front door, or just eating a warthog.

And at some point that's not the end, they shoot off Anaconda's face. With a gun. And believe me, that shit is blown pieces. And 10 minutes later? Anaconda attack! And look who's had some reconstructive surgery!

Also, Kari Wuhrer has some screw-on breast implants that are pretty amazing.

Recommendation: Rent this one, and I will tell you exactly why: because Anaconda barfs up Jon Voight, and his partially digested body winks at Jennifer Lopez, and that alone is worth the rental price.