So far, London has introduced us to several unlikable characters; to be sure, some of the best characters in movie history have been unsavory, but surely this film has outdone them all by having these people snort coke off classic art, when they're not too busy defecating in front of each other while talking about God. Now that the movie has gathered its main characters in one location and given them something to do, we have reached the true body of London. (This is not to be confused with the body of London, which might require years of bodybuilding to reach.)

URBAN LEGENDS

With her answer to Syd's question ("Okay, so, Maya, I'm curious, you're a smart chick, do you believe in God?"), Maya initiates one of London's dramatization sequences, which provides a brief escape from the concrete bathroom. Sadly, she has nothing useful to share, instead offering the following stories that have nothing to do with God:

• Scientists in "Russia or Germany or one of these places" took some baby rabbits from their mother, drove them into the country, and shot them with rifles at various distances from the laboratory. They observed that every time one of her babies died, the mother rabbit's heart rate spiked.
• A man is randomly stabbed, and at the exact same moment 900 miles away, his twin brother collapses.

Thematically and stylistically, this sequence indicates that writer-director Hunter Richards got at least 7 minutes into P.T. Anderson's Magnolia before passing out in a mound of cocaine. Interestingly, however, this exchange may reveal Maya as the true protagonist of London, considering her initial response to Syd's question ("You guys have been doing way too many drugs") as well as her irritated reply to Syd's dismissal of her input:

Syd: You know what, Maya, I had this conversation before. I'm not having it here.
Maya: Well then, let's not, and don't ask me about God, okay, Syd?

JEALOUSY

Syd proceeds to grill Maya on the physical attractiveness of London's new boyfriend, alerting the careful viewer to Syd's latent homosexuality. This is a theme that presents itself several times throughout London, and pays off hugely later in the film. For now, we are introduced to yet another abhorrent stylistic trend: "inadvertent" dialogue transitions into flashback.

Maya (present, to Syd): You're asking me if he's an attractive guy? I guess.
Syd (past, to London): You guess? What do you mean, you guess?

This glimpse of the past once again takes us away from the bathroom, but this time it takes about 5 seconds for us to wish we were back. Syd hangs out with London while she tries on clothes in a dressing room; once again, he is consumed with interest in another attractive man, this time a friend of London's she recently met for lunch. In a jaw-dropping tantrum, Syd demands to know whether London is more attracted to him or this friend, berating her until they are screaming in each other's faces.

If there is one distinguishing feature of this relationship, it is the inexplicable tendency of both parties to conjure a huge fight out of nothing; in fact, it is this quality that inspires us to root passionately for Syd and London to make it work, so there is no chance that anyone else will have the misfortune of dating them. It matters little that Syd's behavior would justify a restraining order against him by all womankind, because one of the following is certainly true for any viewer:

1. I've met people like this, and I can't stand them
2. I was this annoying when I was 15, and I don't care to relive it
3. These people are so annoying, I refuse to believe they might have real-life counterparts

SEX CLUBS

At this point, London shifts focus to a relatively neglected character: Bateman. After Maya leaves, Bateman explains to Syd that he would have sex with a 15-year-old because it's legal in France: "If we told women a tenth of the horrible things we think and do, do you think we'd ever get laid?" Surprisingly, this "am I right, guys?" statement fails to convince Syd, who is equally unsupportive when Bateman suddenly mentions that a woman once urinated in his mouth. In fact, Syd guffaws loudly as though this fetish was totally unheard of, possibly giving away the fact that London used to do this to him every single day; at least this would provide some clue as to why he's interested in getting back together with her.

Bateman goes on to discuss his experience with sex clubs, and London cuts away to another dramatization in which Bateman is tortured by dominatrices. He also describes watching a woman defecate on a glass table over his face, an experience surely not very different from watching this movie. Relevant to the plot is Bateman's contention that "the moment you come, you are so sober"; it is amazing and horrifying to know that London is the kind of movie in which this statement will eventually pose a continuity error.

SUICIDE

To change up the dynamic of the bathroom, the film swaps out Bateman for Mallory, who couldn't be more thrilled as she does a little dance towards the mountain of cocaine sitting on the counter. As she rolls a joint because she's not high enough already, Mallory delicately asks Syd about his rumored suicide attempt, a subject which sends him into another tantrum. Syd's explanation that he accidentally overdosed on his dog's epilepsy medication leads to another flashback in which Syd and London have a screaming fight.

Despite the viewer's limited glimpses of Syd and London's relationship, these flashbacks are skillfully designed to communicate crucial information about this couple. Here, we learn that London can lie to her boyfriend's face without skipping a beat, and Syd is a shrieking drama queen who makes her seem like a protagonist in comparison. This scene, in which London confesses that she spent the night with another man, but claims nothing happened, is played out with embarrassing histrionics, even considering the situation. One gets the uneasy feeling that this scenario happened to Hunter Richards, and he just couldn't wait to put it in a movie -- but instead of infusing the scene with realism, it's as queasily dull as spying on someone else's therapy session.

THERAPY

As it turns out, the very next flashback allows us to spy on Syd's therapy session, in which he reveals, among other things, that he is on Zoloft, Prozac, and even lithium (used primarily to treat bipolar disorder); if there's one thing Syd is right about, it's when he screeches to his psychiatrist that none of these medications are working. Ultimately, however, this scene offers no new information, as the viewer has already witnessed Syd's mental problems in every frame of the movie so far, and the film has nothing useful to say about the treatment of these ailments, as the psychiatrist here exists solely so that the movie can make fun of psychiatrists.